It just hit me today that I have no real friends anymore and I have no idea why. Sure I have those people that I message online every now and then, but there's no one that calls me to hang out or just to see how I'm doing. My supposed "friends" from school couldn't care any less about me and I've finally stopped making excuses for them. When you call and call and text and email and call some more and get nothing back, the return message is pretty fucking clear, so thanks guys. A new friend I thought I made at home showed their true colors when Matt and I got back together, and I'm pretty sure a true friend would be glad that I'm happy for once, not pissed off that things don't go their way.

My relationship with Matt is better than ever but I want friends too. I spend every free minute with him because no one else wants to spend time with me, which is always fun but I feel like I'm missing something. It's just frustrating when I look around at everyone with their "crews" and "bffs" and inside jokes and all I have is my cat Zoey. Not that she isn't good company, I'd just like more of a conversationalist. But hey at least Zoey won't suddenly stop caring about me.

On a better note, I dropped my wallet with 200 dollars cash in a parking lot and it was turned into the police and returned to me the next day with EVERYTHING in it. Complete strangers are better to me than people I called friends. ell emm aay ohh.

I got innnnnn

revolving door

another so called friend bites the dust.7 years this time, I'm pretty sure that was my current longest friendship. No skin off my nose. It's not even worth the time to write about it, that's how much I care. Bye joanna, fuck you.

I submitted a still life drawing into the LC art show, I hope it gets in. It's pretty sweet.

Also, I'm making summer plans to bike the Katy trail. It's 225 miles, I'm planning on making it in 4 days probably. So most of my summer will be training for it, and I like the sound of that. I'm unhealthy, I need fresh air and movement and real food. I'm living off candy and pot

next month is my appointment with Carrie! Finally, I've been waiting a whole year, I never thought it would get here. I want to get this bitch started already!

can it get worse

Joanna is moving out. I am the reluctant new owner of a 3bedroom duplex and a 9 month lease. Remember the posts about people being awful? they are all being proven at this exact moment.

I missed my doctor appointment today so now I have to pay 75 mother fucking dollars to that fuck. AND I don't even get the prescription I NEED to take for another week, which was the only reason I was going in the first place.

I forgot I had a midterm in photoshop last night. I know I failed it.

this has been the worst 2 days ever. I want to smoke a carton of cigarettes and die.

130 lbs/ash

I'm quitting smoking cigarettes today. not the fake quitting, the real kind. there needs to be a change. it's in writing now, that's all I needed to quit. I've probably lost my chances with Matt as anything in one stupid action misconstrued and there's nothing I can do. maybe this can prove something to him. something... I feel like 130 pounds of shit. or rather 130 pounds of cigarette ash. I wake up and my lungs are more sore than my heart these days. it all seems to tie in in my head. to quit smoking. my one last heroic effort to safe myself and what I'm trying to rebuild.

how epic.